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6 Common Misconceptions About My Virginity

Virginity, or lack thereof, does not define a human being. Here are some of the questions I regularly field about my own…

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“So have you lost your virginity yet?”

This is possibly the most common question I get from people with different beliefs and practices from mine. They never ask about my writing, my travels, my heart or my other friends.

Just my sex life.

Which is still nonexistent.

After years of being asked why I’m still a virgin (You religious or sumthin?), and having to sum up volumes of logic and theology into about two sentences, I decided it’s about time to write another post about why I’m waiting for marriage. This time, I want to address some misconceptions folks seem to have about those of us who remain chaste until their wedding day.

We have zero sexual desires. None whatsoever.

No!

No!!!!

No one could be more excited for their wedding day than me! I’m hoping for a 16-second ceremony so we can sprint up the aisle, spit out some vows, and sprint back down the aisle and speed to our hotel room!

There will be no photographers; no family pictures. If you want to remember this day, blink your eyes people! Mental snapshots are the only non-blurry ones you’ll get of us!

We who have chosen to wait until marriage do not magically have less sexual desires than the rest of y’all. They are there and they are just waiting to be unleashed.

It’s just because we’re “religious.”

For me, this is a big factor in my decision to wait until marriage. I want to honor God with my body and with my use of His gift of sex.

However, a lot of it also comes down to logic and a love for my future spouse.

I have an atheist friend who told me once about how powerful sex is. She explained how amazingly spiritual and bonding it is to unite yourself to this other person; it’s really magical. In the next text, she told me that she has probably slept with over 150 people.

To me, this just seems like a logical oxymoron. How could something so beautiful and powerful be shared with such a gigantic number of people?

If sex really is as powerful as she said it is, I want to save that for the one person in my life who deserves it. The person I have committed myself to and don’t have to worry about them taking off in the morning. Someone I can trust wholly and completely, and fully give my whole self to without fear or insecurity.

I’m sure many people have similar reasons beyond simply “I’m religious,” so try asking them about it!

Virginity is simply a matter of that one line you can’t cross.

The other day, a girl asked me about my virginity and followed up with questions like “But what about oral? Or touching?” as if purity were about a singular point you don’t want to walk past rather than a holistic pursuit of purity.

A friend at college once explained his views on virginity as more of a sliding scale than a matter of steering clear of penetration. He said, “He who has kissed a girl is less of a virgin than he who has not. She who has had oral sex is less of a virgin than she who has not, and so on.”

It’s not simply a matter of not having intercourse, and then you’re suddenly not a virgin; the goal is to live a pure life holistically so you have as much of yourself to share with your spouse and carry less baggage altogether into your marriage.

Now, I’m not saying kissing is terrible and everyone should wait until their wedding day just to give a little peck on the lips. The “line” will be different for everyone. We all have different convictions.

We look down on those who have not waited.

Of course I can only speak for myself here, but a lot of people get embarrassed or ashamed in front of me because I have chosen to wait. I wish this was not so! As a Christian, I must recognize that all of us are on level ground before God. I may not have had sex with a girl, but I have millions of other sinful areas in my life, so who am I to judge?

My pursuit in maintaining my virginity is not with the end goal of shaming people who have not; it’s simply because I have found that this is the wisest way to prepare for a future marriage and honor the Lord with my body.

I have no moral high ground to stand on when it comes to pointing fingers. After all, Jesus Himself said that anyone who looks upon a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart. God knows that by this definition, I’ve slept with a LOT more than 150 people.

We would never date a non-virgin.

This is a question I have fielded countless times.

But what if she’s not a virgin? Dealbreaker?

No, of course not.

Again, if God is able to forgive my myriad sins I’ve committed throughout my life, I would be a terrible person with no understanding of the gospel if I were to hold a woman’s past mistakes against her. I would be someone unable to show grace because I probably haven’t experienced it myself.

Virginity, or lack thereof, does not define a human being.

If you’ve lost your virginity, you’re damned to be impure forever.

I have talked to many people who despair because they have already lost their virginity. I see a lot of people who think that they are damaged goods because they have screwed up and can’t take their virginity into their marriage.

I think the concept of being a virgin until marriage is a modern day concept. The Bible speaks very little about waiting until marriage, and our culture has put more emphasis on this than the Bible itself has. (Though it most certainly calls for purity and fleeing sexual immorality!)

What the Bible speaks a lot about is renewal and restoration. Broken things being fixed and shattered things being made whole. If you have had sex in the past, don’t let that fact, and the shame that may accompany it, determine your future. You can choose right now to live a chaste life. Some people refer to this as being a ‘spiritual virgin,’ as God has already forgotten the things you’ve done in the past.

It’s never too late to begin walking in the light and living a pure life! May we all be people who, from this day forward, long to live in the light and use our bodies wisely and for the building up of others, rather than out of a selfish pursuit of pleasure. May we learn to walk with others in understanding and love rather than judgment and pretense.

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8 comments on “6 Common Misconceptions About My Virginity

  1. Well said! Just yesterday I led the girls’ club girls in a study on what the Bible does say about this topic. We did a mini word study of the Hebrew words yada and shakob and why God’s idea of yada is so much more fulfilling. People need to hear the why behind these types of decisions. I’m going to read this post to them during our next time together in two weeks. I want to show them other people besides myself that are making these decisions because sadly they don’t have many people in their lives that do.

  2. Great post! As someone who is also waiting until marriage, this really resonated with me 🙂

  3. Thank you for this post! I think another one to add would be: “That I’m the “only one”.”

    It’s easy to feel very alone in the decision to abstain from all sexual intimacy until marriage. One guy even called me a “unicorn” in redaction to finding out about my virginity. While I took it as a compliment, it showed me the rarity of choosing to abstain. However, by reading this post, apparently there are more people committed to sexual purity than myself. Very encouraging.

    I’m thankful I never kissed the two guys I dated in the past. While I don’t believe kissing before marriage is itself a sin, I believe it is about the heart and the motivation. I knew that kissing would open a door to sexual sin in my life..,I couldn’t see how we would both remain pure in thought and action by kissing.

    One major sin I’ve struggled with in light of purity is entitlement. I think: “God, I’ve served you. I’ve obeyed you in the area of purity even when it’s been very hard. I resist temptation. I deserve someone who has done the same.”

    In reality, none of us deserve Jesus, let alone a “pure” spouse. I pray that my future husband is currently walking in sexual purity and in victory over sin…that he will continue to do so. However, I am not ignorant of temptation nor of the reality of a “past”. Both of us will come to the marriage bed with baggage. His baggage may be a little heavier or look a little different from mine. That’s the nature of sin. I know that Jesus is in the restoration and healing “business”. I trust that He will provide the necessary people, counsel, and tools for us to combat temptation and heal from the past. I’ve been afraid of the future concerning this area. I’ve been betrayed by the young men I’ve dated in this area. Then, I remember that Jesus is the perfect Groom. My earthly husband is just a shadow. A sweet one, but only gift to point me back to the truest Lover of my soul.

    • This is good stuff! Kissing has definitely led to more than what I wanted as far as purity goes. However, it is nice to know that I am not the only one who is waiting until marriage.

  4. Sarah Aberer

    I am never one to comment on things, but I felt the need to say thank you.
    Thank so much for your (extremely) charming personality and choosing this way of life. It’s so nice to hear this from… well, not a parent, teacher, or priest!
    I have decided, long ago, that I too, want to live a chaste life. And honestly, it’s super hard (especially in college)!
    Any sort of relationship I come close to having, disappears when sex is off the table. Because that’s the only way to have “real” relationship.
    It’s been, horrifically, depressing to have this happen and to know it will [may] probably happen again.
    It is a rare thing now-a-days to see someone, like you, living such a beautiful life. It refreshing and reassuring! And by “like you,” I mean someone with your physical attractiveness and the fun, free, straight-forwardness personality of your writings that i feel like you have too! (Hope that wasn’t too weird!)
    I just wanted to thank you for your ‘tell it like it is’ attitude and the total accuracy of your message! I love reading them!

    May GOD bless you, each and every day! NEVER-stop writing! You give me hope!
    P.S.
    Sorry for the length! This has been rattling around in my head for a while; struggling with being angry and depressed and not knowing what to say or do. Then I read this post. It just solidified my resolve. It gave me hope for myself and hope that one day, I will be a girl walking down the aisle with my father, wearing my white dress. Knowing that I, truly, earned the right to wear that dress and the pure beauty and joy of the day with all its wonderful, lasting, and long-awaited moments. ❤

  5. Thank you so much for writing this. I needed to hear this – to hear that there are men that do treasure purity and seek it out.

  6. Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to this on every point. I am a 34 year old virgin and people are shocked when they find out, that’s when I get all the questions. Or they think that I am judging them. Your post really resonates with me. Thank you for restoring my hope that there are men out there who are committed to God and his views of sexual purity. Hopefully someday soon God will be blessed me with one of these men and i will be making my own mad dash down the aisle to marry 😉

  7. Pingback: Where is the line? – ethan renoe

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