Years ago I dated a girl who was the type who every guy tries to get with — the type who enters a room and doesn’t need to try to draw male attention, but attracts it so naturally. She was cute, sure, but there was another element beneath the surface of who she was and how she presented herself.
I didn’t have words for that mystical attribute until months later, talking about it with a therapist. He said something about how Christian men and women need to exude more sexual energy.
I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that so I asked him to elaborate.
He did not mean we need to dress more scandalously, bare a lot of skin, and be inappropriately flirty or physical with every guy or girl we meet. As best I can recall, he meant being women and men who make themselves open and available to the world– particularly others with whom there could be a future.
This term ‘sexual energy’ is complex and has far more negative connotations than positive, and that’s something this article aims to shift. The way I use it here, ‘sexual’ mainly refers to an ability to be oneself, express oneself fully, and connect oneself well with others in healthy ways. Even lifelong celibate folks can be sexual then, if we understand it as a means of knowing oneself and sharing yourself with others! More on this below.
But there is a sort of freedom about these people.
They are not tight, but loose.
They are not closed, but open.
And reflecting on it, I realized that this described the girl I had dated years earlier. Why was every guy into her? Yes she was cute, but it was more than that; plenty of humans look good. But that doesn’t mean they give off that type of ‘sexual energy’ described by my counselor. She was open, free, and feminine, and she demonstrated it.
In 2022 there was a warehouse party I attended. It was a rowdy get together, made up of mostly Christian folks going wild. At one point just after midnight, I hit the point of absolute freedom, when my body just takes over and moves itself according to the music — no thinking getting in the way. No self-conscious voice holds me back, I just dance. Music incarnate.
I took a break at one point and talked to two dudes on the curb outside. One of them, a big, warm (straight) guy whose name I forget, took one look at me and said, “Dude, you’re dripping with sexual energy.”
At the time, I thought it was a weird thing to say.
But now, I’m starting to get it.
He didn’t mean ‘sexual’ in the carnal, base, one-definition-only way. He meant that I seemed open, expressive, a fully-realized human, and was putting myself all the way out there.
Maybe our brains and thinkings sometimes get in the way of us being flirty and authentic? Maybe they trip up our ability to inhabit our bodies more fully and get ourselves out there?
Not that you would ever overthink how you’re coming off…
A few months ago, I was in a hot tub with a big crew of friends. I met a new friend that night, and she expressed that Christian guys rarely ask her out or pursue her. I asked if she had worked to avail herself to the guys she is interested in, if she has been flirty toward them. She said she didn’t know how.
I said, “this is a problem in the Christian community at large! When we kissed dating goodbye in the early 2000’s, we also kissed goodbye flirting, fun, and the sexual energy which, at the end of the day, is what draws men and women together into marriages!”
That eros is not a curse, but a gift installed into each of us by God. But we’ve had it ground out of us and been told that any expression of sexuality is bad.
As a youth pastor, it’s easier to just say “Don’t do it,” than to get into the complicated nuances of our embedded sexuality, and how to harness and display it in a healthy way. So as a result, many of us raised in youth groups in the 2000’s never grew up expressing that side of ourselves, but instead let it wither and grow cold.
My flirting typically starts off with, “So…what do you do for work?” which is about as arousing as beige drywall.
We need to learn how to flirt… a skill most non-Christians have been practicing since Middle School. In fact, I’ve had the thought that the guys in my Christian circles who know how to flirt and are more comfortable with women, probably came to faith later in life.
A different female friend told me that she has intentionally been trying to subtly express interest when she’s interested in a guy. She will touch his arm, laugh a lot at his jokes, and then say things like, “I enjoyed talking to you! We should talk more!”
She is doing a great job of being more open toward men, and is having some good success! My friend doesn’t want to ask a guy out, but she is intentionally making herself available, signaling interest, and being warm and open.
If I could sum up the issue with the Single Millennial American Christian world today, it’s this:
We equate sexuality (the desire to connect and give ourselves to others) with sexual immorality (the perversion of that gift, which offers shortcuts, instant gratification, and objectifies others for our pleasure).
And it’s not just one gender or the other — it’s men and women both who are bad at flirting and being sexual in a healthy way. Men are timid, and — perhaps also thanks to #metoo — petrified of being forward and pursuing a woman in a fun, masculine, flirty, and (dare I say?) sensual way.
And it seems that women also tend to suppress their feminine, flirty side as well, opting for a dry demeanor which makes the guys think they are uninterested. Like, on the subway, a woman puts on a ‘don’t mess with me’ type of face. The RBF. But then they forget to take it off at church, park days, and parties! Then they wonder why guys don’t ask them out.
The women in my communities who have figured out how to express that bright, warm, ‘sexual’ side of themselves (again…not by dressing scandalously or being inappropriate) tend to be the ones getting asked out more, regardless of how they look. And the same is true of the guys. The ones who are being forward and asking for dates… get them.
So I wonder what it will take for us as the single Christian community to move toward a more healthy, holistic view of our own sexuality.
I don’t have any universal answers (surprise! I’m still single), but perhaps a few pointers.
Men and women both: be you. Be bold and confident. I have heard from more than one guy that they are scared to wear something they like, but it seems a little abnormal, or may draw too much attention. Or, they like a colorful shirt, but it doesn’t fit their style… As if other people are the ones dictating their style…
Assuming it’s not wildly inappropriate…who cares? Go big.
How many of us have felt the need to hide our true, unique, weird, quirky selves out of a fear of standing out or catching attention? I believe part of harnessing our God-given sexual energy is just being who He made us to be!
When interacting with the opposite sex, don’t be afraid to show attraction and interest with your body language, and your words. Stand close to them and hold eye contact.
Men: be bold. Be forward and approach the cute woman to chat with her. Don’t pretend to be ‘normal,’ because normal is a myth. If you like D&D, or heavy metal, or anime, just say it. I wonder if the most ‘masculine’ thing you can do is be yourself. After all, if we believe God made you as a man, then wouldn’t being yourself be inherently manly? No need to try and act like your mythical, idealized image of what you think a man should be. (This could be another blog post altogether…)
Women: like my friend above, show your interest! Men are often less adept at physical touch, so be forward. Touch his forearm, laugh, show warmth, and be feminine — however that looks on you. Even if you don’t want to be the one to ask the guy out, you can show interest in a myriad of ways, and hopefully he will respond in kind!
May we all come to see our sexuality, not as dirty, but as a gift.
Then, may we harness this gift well!
e
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