Devotional Pornography Uncategorized

Why Porn is Bad: I Don’t Like Women

I want all the ‘benefits’ without the effort of actually getting to know someone. To hear her deepest fears and insecurities, as well as her favorite movies and books. To cook up some inside jokes and share some memories. To get lost together in a big city, or run out of gas somewhere in the badlands.

RoadTrip19.jpgI grew up in the church all my life. With my dad being a pastor, I grew up knowing the evils of the lust of the eyes and the treachery of adultery. After high school, I worked with several missions organizations before attending Moody Bible Institute.

All that is to say, I was mildly shocked to read some of the comments on many of my recent posts.

There are people who DON’T think porn is bad?

I mean, I knew millions of people struggled with it, but didn’t realize there were people who genuinely didn’t see anything wrong with it. I got comments telling me to mind my business, it’s not hurting anyone, and it’s just a natural part of life. One friend even told me that “there is no universe in which I don’t watch porn every day.”

As a good Christian boy, the argument is much easier to build. Simply pull from the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus declares, “if you even look at a woman lustfully, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart.” I wholeheartedly agree with Jesus. Because He’s Jesus. But some people see it differently.

There are plenty of great resources out there to describe the abuse women in pornography receive, its connections to sex trafficking, and the years of recovery after escaping the industry. But with this post, I want to briefly share three ‘unscientific’ negative effects it has had on me as a viewer.

It distances me from my friends and family.

Porn is far more exciting than our normal, quiet, everyday lives. These hyper-beautiful, hyper-sexualized people are walking around and hooking up every couple minutes, and that simply does not happen in real life.

As a result, there have been many times I have felt far away and removed from those around me. Like I talked about before, porn curbed my emotions and made me apathetic to those dearest to me. I didn’t want this to happen, but it was the natural outcome of filling my mind with all these exaggerated scenes that were so much more exciting than real people in real life.

I would be in the same room as my friends, but my thoughts would be elsewhere.

The distance makes you lonely.

As a result, we lose connection with real people. We lose intimacy and the lack of intimacy causes severe loneliness. This is part of what causes the cycle of addiction, because what is the fastest way to get rid of our loneliness?

More porn.

It is a shortcut to intimacy, but it is hollow. We do not get to know the people in these films, we only see one side of them. They are not complete humans to us. Pope John Paul II put it well:

There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.

The cycle is cruel, because it creates feelings of loneliness, then promises to heal them, all the while digging a deeper and deeper hole in which to bury you.

I don’t like women.

After the viral video of me blew up, a number of people asked how I could possibly still be single. Naturally, a number intimated that there must be something wrong with him if he’s still single!

I’ve been telling everyone that I’m very picky. And this is entirely true. I am very selective with the women I choose to pursue and date. But largely, the way I view women as a whole has been impacted by pornography.

No longer am I satisfied with the cute girl next door. No, I need a strong Christian woman…with the body of a Kardashian and the smile of Melanie Laurent. And if she could have the lips of Emily Ratajkowski and the eyebrows of Cara Delevigne, that would be nice too.

Porn has made me not want women, but their pieces and parts.

I want all the ‘benefits’ without the effort of actually getting to know someone. To hear her deepest fears and insecurities, as well as her favorite movies and books. To cook up some inside jokes and share some memories. To get lost together in a big city, or run out of gas somewhere in the badlands.

Without my permission, porn has set the standard of beauty impossibly high, far too high for any real woman to attain. And therefore it has effectively prevented me from having any kind of romantic relationship the past several years.

There are studies proving that porn increases domestic violence, and I think this why. It trains us to not want humans, but body parts. And when these body parts are having a bad day, or aren’t in the mood, or don’t agree with us, violence ensues.

When we don’t see people as humans, it’s easier to treat them as objects…like punching bags.

Isn’t that what Hitler did to the Jews? If you dehumanize someone enough, anything is permissible. And porn is doing the exact same thing to men and women by way of our sexuality. It has dehumanized it and reduced sex, this God-given gift, to body parts on a screen.

For the sake of brevity, I will wrap up here, knowing that I’ve only scratched the surface of what I want to say on this topic.

I end with praise to God, who makes all things new, all things beautiful, all things clean. Even if our addiction seems cyclically hopeless and deathly permanent, He is greater and has overcome.

e

13 comments on “Why Porn is Bad: I Don’t Like Women

  1. I think this was perfectly put together. We are constantly surrounded by the message that the sexualization of almost anything is not a big deal. Thank you for your boldness and your authenticity.

  2. Preach it, brother. I am sharing this with my friends at church.

  3. I could expound MUCH more than I will do here, but I have to say how VERY much I agree with you, and the effects of porn, and in the larger sense, anything which detours a person’s very heart. Having spent a weekend with Michael John Cusick a few months ago, I commented this morning to a group of men from my church that I feel as though I’m getting my heart back (for which I’ve been praying). This group of men can be very ADD/ADHD in our conversational approach (though “spiritual”), and not very personal in our discussions, and that has in recent months frustrated my heart. I have said more than a few times recently that once again I can become emotional, getting all teary in a flash (how God created me), where when I was spending time in porn, or pursuing illegitimate sexual connections, my heart was cauterized. Today was the second wake which I attended in as many days, and my heart just plain ol’ hurt for those left behind, though the families all know Jesus, so will see their family member one day in Glory. I hardly had any emotional love for God (struggled when singing worship music in church), though I was in intellectual agreement with it. I can feel again!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 I hope to never return to the cheap substitute of “Monopoly money” connection, but much prefer to deal in the real currency of the gold and silver of real people.

  4. Really good article. Thank you.

  5. Stephanie G.

    This all hits so close to home. As a woman who was addicted to porn, knowing it was not socially acceptable, it became my favorite secret. I figured as long as no one knew, there was no harm. It wasn’t until I found myself in relationships that were not fulfilling to me. If a man wasn’t extremely forward, it would bear down on my self confidence. I love the instant gratification that porn gave me without realizing how much more fulfilling it was to let a relationship maturate over time. I became so lonely in relationships and put the blame on myself. I knew other people who watched porn who were in seemingly great relationships but would later realize it was only the assumption of mine. Their girlfriends or wives would confide in me that their significant other would push them to do sexual things that weren’t comfortable with them because he wanted to try it out in person. I believe that’s when there is distinction of conflict in watching porn, trying to recreate fantasies for your own gratification. I had decided to stop watch porn a few years back because I was tired of feeling alone and empty. In the future, I didn’t want pressure my spouse to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with or imagine a scene in porn to enjoy sex. What scared me the most is that porn was such a parasite in my life and so many people tried to convince me it was perfectly normal.

  6. So much appreciated a male introspective perspective. As a woman, I feel as if my “parts” and the “acts” are dirty when having sex with someone addicted to porn; like I am expected to live up to the person’s porn fantasy. So against God’s intent for sex to be a beautiful and intimate way to deeply connect to someone you love.

  7. bethiefaith

    …and it is impossible for a real human Christian girl to compete with it.

  8. I believe pornograpy robs the true intimacy that God has created between man and woman. Lust and the false sexual desires have tainted God’s gift. Porn has blinded so many to have us think that it’s practically normal to feel that way or to create a scene that we’ve seen in a movie. Its disturbing and sad that we allow our fleshly thoughts to control our thinking to surrender to it.

    I also think porn is desensitizing us from what’s really going on with sex trafficking. It baffles me that this is still continuing on with much younger females since we’ve became too distracted from what we think is “healthy” is on our computers or TVs. Im glad this topic is being discussed and I hope it can encourage more, such as myself, to boldly confess a problem that needs to be addressed without shame. Thank you for your boldness, Ethan.

  9. Good article, and I see your points. You’re right. I know this is porn related but in matters of the last part, I don’t think its just porn to blame… Its media overall. They are the ones who say what is beautiful and what is not. You look at “perfect” models and artists and see how you are NOT surrounded by that type of people. Its frustrating. You know those models are not real, but still. You compare.
    I’m very picky on men too. Being a graphic designer elevates that range. I like a specific type of face and eyes and hair color. A specific conbination of aspects. Heck, this is one of the reasons I’ve been single for 25 years, so, my whole life.
    Now, my pickyness comes from the fact that everything has to look beautiful to my eyes. If its not appealing, then I don’t want it. Period. And yeah, I know, beauty is not eveything but is a big part. You have to see that face evey morning after all…
    I do have a specific taste in men, hopefully I will end up with someone like that :fingers crossed:
    But is not like I worry about it. Here is what I think: What I want the most is that he will be someone who will draw me closer to God. Meaning he has to be a man of God. And secondly, I’m only marrying once. God knows what I like. So why not just wait? He will eventually come and it will be in God’s perfect timing. This is why I don’t worry about being so picky…. at least you know what you want.

    Keep up with the good blogs!

  10. Wes Martin

    Your list of physical attributes says to me you’re fundamentally looking for the wrong thing. I am also picky man however I have learned companionship is far greater than that list. I picked a lady who is smart makes me laugh, understands me, watches me, cares about the good I do and really just loves me for me. She is pretty and some guys are sneaky in their advances and that has tested our trust in each other. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll find a pretty girl, but consider that if your heart starts clicking with someone who isn’t that list you’re a fool to turn her down for unknown supermodel.

  11. Pingback: What to Say When Someone Confesses a Porn Struggle | ethan renoe

  12. This blog rendered me speechless… not from shock but, from the gut level honesty. Is this the experience of other Christian guys at church? There is a misogynistic spirit at work in the world, and it has many manifestations. It works in porn production. It spreads in porn consumption. It’s at work in media too. It’s target is women. It fuels the hatred of women. It promotes the self-loathing women can have towards themselves. I don’t say all this to dwell on it, but the Bible instructs is not to be unaware of the enemies schemes.

    Thank you for writing this article and being honest. There’s moments that I’ve just felt hated on, in church and out. And it’s subtle but pervasive. I need to be more aware of Gods overwhelming love for me and let that drench me, through and through until it’s pouring out of the pores of my soul.

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